i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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