you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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