are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
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