The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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