If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
