gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
