I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
