i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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