woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Randomize
