I'm going to jail i love you
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
