This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
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