i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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