last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
