Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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