So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
BRING THE BAGELS
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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