I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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