half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
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