I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
