Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
