I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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