Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
