If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
