oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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