is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
