her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
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