just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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