I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
They are going to name an STD after you.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
