Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
