She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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