Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
