every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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