i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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