if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
In other news, I just burned my penis
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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