girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Randomize
