end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
