OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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