On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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