You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
