remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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