he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
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