I accidentally burped into my bong.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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