Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
