I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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