You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
