i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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