Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
