I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
