I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
