I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
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