It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
