just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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