the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
