the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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