then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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