Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
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