i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
