If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Randomize
