Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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