Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
there is glitter all over my balls
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
